I am so grateful for growth and maturity. I am grateful for the light that flickers within my soul, reminding me that I have purpose.
Throughout my life, I’ve had this ongoing fear of judgment, ridicule and even success. Yes, there have been times where I’ve feared my own potential. I constantly question my abilities and compare them to others, which ultimately prevents me from fully taking advantage of the life that circulates through my veins. Have any of you ever felt this way? Felt fear of letting go and surrendering your heart to the possibilities that live in the unknown?
Over the past few months, I’ve existed in this ongoing stupor. Deep down, I felt stuck. Merely existing in this grand world and not truly living. I was idly present in this perpetual cycle of fear and doubt and wanting to be a more courageous person, but oblivious to the steps I needed to take in order to move towards purpose…MY purpose!
Until recently, I’ve never really been able to grasp and process it all. My desires, my shame, my anger, my fears, my subconscious habits, they all just existed in this huge bubble of confusion. I was unsure of how to digest my emotions and use them to my advantage, and so I just sank deeper into my thoughts; not moving forward. And I have to admit, this is an overwhelming place to exist in.
But thanks to God and G.G. Renee Hill’s Summer Self-Discovery Course, my perception is changing. Some of the written exercises in G.G.’s course in combination with some meditative exercises have really helped me to slow my mind and take a step back. Life is one grand majestic experience, filled with smaller necessary experiences along the way (no matter how uncomfortable they may be).
Instead of suppressing my fears and intense emotions while desperately searching for a way of escape, I am learning to grow past my pain. I am actually taking the time to identify the root of my fears, and then make an intentional choice to not allow the discomfort to negatively control how I view myself or my life. Once I acknowledge and understand the fear, I am able to move forward instead of remaining stuck in my anxious energy.
Healing and self-discovery is a very intentional process. Change won’t just magically occur on it’s own. It’s work, but it’s so worth it! We must have the courage to be honest with ourselves and not allow shame, or fear, or negative and untrue thoughts associated with those fears to have control.
I now understand that when discomfort comes, I am to be reminded of my strength. I am to view discomfort as an opportunity to learn and to mature as a spiritual being, as a woman and as a mother to my daughter.
I can no longer be afraid to feel fear or even to let it go. Most importantly, I need to release the shame I have towards myself. I believe that shame and regret towards the girl I once was is at the root of many of my emotional reactions to fear. I fear the judgment and ridicule of others because I’m so used to judging and ridiculing myself, to the point where I assume that everyone else is doing it to.
This foggy veil of anxious energy is slowly being lifted from my minds eye, and for this I am grateful. It’s going to take some time to eliminate the old habits and embrace new ones, but I am on the right path.
We all know that there is comfort in what’s familiar, even when we know it’s not necessarily what’s best for us. But for some reason, we still want to exist there.
Walking blind can be a scary thing, but faith is Power! In order to truly LIVE and experience heaven on earth, we need to take on the responsibility it requires to activate our Faith and release the burden of our fears.
I acknowledge that the fear is there and that it exists, but I also know that it is just a passing cloud in the sky that is my life. My fear is evidence of my faith and my ability to move forward in spite of my circumstances. I embrace change and the positive energy that it attracts to my light!
Until next time my loves!