Why Can’t I Just Speak My Mind?

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“Communication works for those who work at it” – John Powell 

Sometimes, it’s so hard for me to communicate my feelings to someone. Maybe it’s fear of the unknown; not knowing which direction the conversation will go in – and possibly having it take a turn for the worst and crashing straight into my ego, head first.

Or maybe it’s dreading the slight anxiety I sometimes feel knotting in my chest when I don’t have the right response in the moment. (SN: I absolutely hate it when I think of something good to say AFTER the conversation is already over with).

Whatever the wall is that’s keeping me from boldly saying what’s on my mind and in my heart, needs to be knocked down ASAP!! My thoughts are just dying to escape the prison of my fears and kindly float off the pucker of my perfectly pursed lips. These reservations I sense need to have several seats, and in the back row!! Please and Thank You!!!

There’s so much that I have to say, that I need to say! But I don’t know where to start or even how to get the words out. Sometimes, I try to imagine my hidden self having the conversation. She’s the one who lives within, always knocking on the doors of my heart, waiting for me to answer and let her in; into my current world and unique way of existing. But for some reason, I don’t answer the door. I close the shades, turn the lights off and pretend like there’s no one home. But still she comes back, day after day, ringing my doorbell and knocking on the doors of my heart like she’s the police or something. I guess you could say she’s there to place my fears under arrest, but I’m not ready to turn them in yet.

Have I become all too comfortable living in the midst my fears? Does it really make me feel at home when I’m overcome by doubt and worry? WOW!!! I have to admit that that’s a little hard for me to digest. But it’s the truth. The reality is that I have gotten so used to listening to my fears that eventually, it swallowed me up into this cozy, comfortable little bubble. Fear and insecurity is familiar to me, and familiarity is safe. Sadly, living in this bubble of anxiety is comfortable because it’s what I know. (Oxymoronic, I know)

I’ve wanted to say good-bye to this side of me for so long, and I have to admit that it’s definitely been an up-hill battle. But for the first time in a long time, I actually want to open the blinds and let the sun in. I want to challenge the limits of my comfort zone and experience bold new feats and adventures. Before, I just wanted to be left alone in my little bubble. Every time I started something new, if it made me feel uncomfortable, I would convince myself to quit. I was okay just being ordinary and living with my insecurities. But now, I want to overcome my insecurities.

And it’s all because I am actually able to admit to myself that this part of me exists,  instead of hiding behind my shame. There are parts of me that I am not proud of, things I’ve done in my past that I regret. But now I accept it as part of who I Am! And it is such a liberating experience for me.

So I have to take this one step at a time, one day at a time. If I cant vocally get my words out, maybe I’ll try writing a letter first and then discussing the contents of that letter…

It’s a start, right? And I can live with that 🙂

It’s definitely been a process, but I’m so excited to meet the woman creeping out of my heart and making her way into my world.  I encourage you to introduce yourself to your flaws or any challenges you may face, don’t hide from them. The sooner you are able to admit to yourself that they exist and are a part of the person you’ve grown to be, the sooner you can work to overcome those challenges and walk in victory. To start boldly LIVING your life instead of just existing in it. 

Are there parts of you that you are ashamed of, or afraid to accept as part of who you are? If so, what are they? 

Do you ever imagine yourself breaking free from your comfort zone and letting it all hang out there, for the world to see ? 

I know I do!!

Until Next Time Loves

– Sonia

5 thoughts on “Why Can’t I Just Speak My Mind?

  1. I love it! I feel that way sometimes, and it gets hard. Eventually I will get to that point where I just don’t care about other people’s opinions and just be able to take a deep sigh in relief of being free and confident!
    kemimag.blogspot.com

    • Kemi – I’m glad you enjoyed it! And don’t worry, that’s exactly what I’m working on. One day at a time, taking steps towards not being afraid to be me & speaking my mind in the process. So far, so good 🙂 Your day will come, sooner than you think. I can feel it!!! 🙂

  2. Once again…you read my mind! I’m working on this too. Yes it’s a process; sometimes I surprise myself by just letting the words spill out & other times I spiral back into silence. “What’s worse– Saying something & wishing you hadn’t or not saying something & wishing you had?” I ask myself this often when I’m having trouble letting my thoughts go. Baby steps. 🙂

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