I just need some time
One-on-One with my mind
To sort through all the bullsh*t and commotion I’m battling with on the inside
I’d cry, but I’m borderline numb to the story-line that is my current reality
Tongue tied and twisted, unable to make sense of it all
I just need some one-on-one time
With just me and my mind
I’m just so tired of being tired
Hate feeling like the weight of the world is weighing down on my heart
Simultaneously pressing the air from my lungs
Detest having this “two good days, four bad ones” thing I have goin’ on. Ya’ feel me?!
Now for the question of the day!
Why can’t I just love myself? I mean really LOVE ME!!! Let it go and move one? Why can’t I just be secure in the love God has for me? Why has all this drama caused me to crave validation like I do my Haagen-Dazs Butter Pecan ice cream? The thirst is real ya’ll!!!!!
Why am I being so weak-minded? I just want to be that strong black woman everyone expects me to be. Or maybe it’s just the strong black woman I’ve imagined up in my mind. You know, strong like my momma, resilient like my granny. Strong like the women in church gettin’ her praise on cus’ she knows God has her back, and everything will be okay!
Why is it so hard? Why can’t I just forgive and forget? Why can’t I just accept what is and make the best of the situation?
Every time I try to move on, I can’t. Something keeps pulling me back in like quick sand, taking a hold of my heart, dragging me into the mud to wallow in my misery.
I want so bad to crawl out and be that strong black woman. I want to be resilient; sturdy. I want so bad to be a good role model for my daughter. To be the type of woman she admires when she grows up. So I guess I have no choice but to get it together. I have to suck it in and put on my big girl panties.
The healing won’t happen over night. But with God as my witness, I’m going to heal from this and come back stronger than ever. I can’t be angry anymore. That’s way too much power for me to just give away!!
NOW is the time for me to straighten my crown!!!! Wake up Sonia!! Get to work!!! Come into your royal status.
UUOOO WEEEE!!!…Now that I’ve gotten that out of my system…
Please hear me. It is so important that we understand that the process of overcoming is just that, a process. I’m truly learning that as I journey and heal through this current stage of my life, there will be good days and bad days. I just need to make sure that I don’t allow the occasional bad day to become a habit. I can’t become swallowed up in shame or focus all of my energy on my misfortune. Although it may be difficult to do in the moment, it’s crucial that we focus on our blessings and allow ourselves to remain realistic to what “overcoming” really entails. It’s going to hurt. You might be confused or question why you were chosen to endure this particular test. And that’s okay! Stop beating yourself up! Just know that as time passes, things will get better!
You may not be able to see the big picture right now, but there is a bigger picture; your standing smack dab in the middle of a masterpiece in the making. At this very moment!
With each passing day, as you step back and your lens begins to focus, you’ll be able to see more & more of that picture. And before you know it, you’ll be a stronger more beautiful version of your current self; proud of your scars and the mountains you’ve climbed to get where you are. Just hold on. You’ve got this!